At this point I've decided to take a year after graduation from seminary to research and write some of my own stuff. I think the pace of seminary has exhausted me and I'm finding myself needing some space to move in. While seminary has been great in many respects, there are some ways in which it doesn't seem to make the study of theology an enjoyable endeavor. Unfortunately, for this reason I feel like I've lost some of the motivation and excitement about scholarship. I don't think it's because I find theology boring now or anything, but because there isn't a community here that engages theology at the points where I'm most interested in theology. The conversations happening at the seminary are more about protecting traditional reformed doctrine rather than engaging the contemporary theological landscape. Also, the readings assigned in class seem to be meant to establish a rootedness in our particular tradition, but don't encourage us to dialogue with theologians outside our tradition. I realize it's difficult to do both well at the same time, and the nature of a conservative seminary causes it to default to the former, but my own attempts to do both well have tired me. All that among various and other sundry things--so it sounds thrilling to do some writing jobs (which I have lined up) and to take the time to read beyond the horizons of the reformed tradition in the next year so I can set out a good proposal for research at the doctoral level.
Today was the first day in about three months that I felt like contacting more professors and potential supervisors about the areas of research that I'm interested in. It was actually relaxing to put some of my ideas out there. Previously, it's been stressful and I've felt like I've had to overstate myself so I 'stand out.' But if I--as me--don't stand out, then okay. But if I do, then that's what I want to get in on. Not on some false pretenses that I put forward. I've been challenged a lot lately to be increasingly comfortable in my own skin. Today I felt some of the benefits of that.
